Friday, June 17, 2011

OKAY! I remembered!

OKAY! So I forgot about this for a while... Honestly I really have been VERY busy!
4 days after my last post Dustin called me to tell me that his sister Jessica wanted to talk to us at his mom's when I got home from work, so I was to go right there and not home. Now, Jessica and I have never been the "best" of friends and for a long time we just down right didn't get along. I didn't have a problem with her except that she always was so mean to me and told everyone that she didn't like me. ANYWAY it was VERY shocking for her to ask to talk to us in a very serious manor and that it had to be at the in-law's confused me even more (witnesses maybe??). So when I got there EVERYONE was there so now I'm thinking someone has died, or something is VERY wrong..
Inside we went! Me, Dustin, Jessica and Breanna (Jessica's 11 year old daughter). Well Jessica said that if it was okay with us, Breanna would be staying with us for a while until Jessica could get back on her feet. Well of course it was okay with us, what were we going to do?? Tell Breanna she had to live on the street?? Uh, NO!
She came that night! So, all in a rush we were suddenly "parents" but not. We've tried to let Breanna know in everything we do that we are in no way trying to take the place of her mom. And we try to let her know that everything that's going on is because her mom loves her so much and we love her that we just want her to be in a safe place.
Wow... So... Did we ever start out crazy.. 11 y/o girl problems in abundance! Mean girls at school ( Ignore them, I know it's hard but that's the only way to get them to leave you alone. When you don't let them get you mad they won't think it's fun to pick on you anymore and they'll move on), make-up (No.. "But momma said...!", *sigh**check with "momma"* fine but I want to see you everyday before you leave for school and if I think you are wearing to much you have to go wash it off and NO eye shadow!), shaving( It's OK with "momma" and she's been doing it for months), cleaning her room( We are most of the way into a weeks grounding for stuffing things under the bed, in dresser drawers and into her overnight bag instead of "cleaning" like she was supposed to), CELL PHONE( no way, but her mom's ex gave her one.), and BOYS BOYS BOYS! I love Breanna (and if you read this I really do love you!) but I hear a new name almost daily! It's not been nearly as bad since school got out.
Now don't get me wrong, Breanna has her up-side too! She's very smart, and can be sweet when she wants. She always hugs us good-night and tells us she loves us (yes we respond with the same). And even though Dustin picks on her constantly, she has yet to cry about it.
I don't know if I was ready to be the caregiver to an 11 y/o girl. There are SO many conversations I didn't think I would have to have for YEARS! I am NOT going into them for your benefit (trust me...)! I don't know if I like it. Is that bad? I want kids more then anything, but I guess I wanted the chance to raise them the way I wanted, not get one that is already set in her ways. I feel like I'm doing it all wrong, I feel like she hates me already (And I've been warned from people that have been in my position that she WILL hate me). I feel like we are constantly getting on to her! "Don't put dirty dishes in the cabinet!, Put the milk/tea/juice (etc) away when you are done using it!, Don't leave the fridge door open!, Why do you have 5million lights on!, You don't need the T.V. on if you are listening to the radio!, Why did you just throw that? etc etc etc...
Even in writing this I feel like I'm getting on to her, but in reality I'm pointing out my own flaws. I feel like I'm going about this all wrong. I feel like I'm a bad "parent". If I'm not ready to take care of someone else's child, how could I ever be a good parent to my own? Maybe I shouldn't have kids. Maybe that's why God hasn't given them to me yet. Because I'm not supposed to have my own. Maybe I haven't shown him yet that I deserve that gift, and now I never will. Because I'm doing so badly with Breanna.
My want for a child is like an ever growing gloom rushing over me. I thought at first having Breanna in the house would help, but now I feel like it's just making it worse, now I see all my faults as a parent and it just makes me I shouldn't be one. So if I can see that, then why do I still want it so badly?